yueh

[muura]

"ill start blogging" they said, and proceeded to take a year break from it ...


but you know it's hard to get used to just sitting down and having all this time to yourself to just write, have you tried it? didn't fucking think so! i asked psshawif i could steal her blog code for my own use but turns out that it wasn't just something you could slap in there at 10pm. so i dug up my old dreamwidth i started for the purpose of rambling to myself and ill honestly just see how far im going to take this "independence from existing website platforms" idea. i mean i am pretty jealous of marissas blog, its so cool. its got just all you need and thats it.

anyway, i have a cat staying over and i started thinking about how this is must happiness must feel like, when youre wearing a sweater and a cat comes up to your lap and digs its face deep inside your sweater and purrs like a creaky old door because he is 19 years old.

. just another existing creature in your lap and you are both warm from eachother. i might just be heartbroken and generally acting like an abandoned  cow because it made me so emotional to have this animal in my lap, but gladly waking up at 7am to clean up an old mans vomit will make you come to your senses about being responsible about a creature. imagine dating! thats like having an animal, right? it is soft and you can feed it, but it actually also goes away when you need it to, and you might only sometimes need to pick up its puke. ill put this on my tinder bio, see how that feels like. transitioning has been funny (which i have btw been doing) because it on the other hand makes me ground myself in my body more than what i used to, but there is still a similar sort of dissassociation than before, now its just of different flavour. like still being brains in a suit of flesh thats not what you ordered online but its kind of slowly erroding and theres maybe some thing salvageable under the old paint, maybe? and youre fucking some people who like vintage even if you yourself are a 70s mod furniture type of person? ... does mod furniture exist? you get me, right? its like being in a professional world where if you come from a self-loathing sort of town you kind of have treat yourself like a product youre selling instead of caring what you yourself think of yourself - except its kind of sad to not see that in yourself after youve lived sort of a fake life of loving yourself and appreciating yourself - im rambling, but i'm looking forward to someday being on tinder and genuinely presenting myself as someone i can confirm that is me.

skinny cats have really peculiar spines and tails but if there is a quality to their fur they are still very comforting to touch and pet. i will never have a cat again but there is a sense of calm when you are in a house and you have a little man in there, like a little house gnome except its visible.

tomorrow i shall wake up to make my last stand at a horrible, torturous course of a school work and it wont even be the last stand because we still need to pick up and destroy set walls - im bored of writing now, good night